“There’s no way…It can’t be.” I tore the binoculars from my eyes, wiped them with the edge of my great black cape and readjusted them on my target.
I was staring at the same familiar building alright – Mama Putt’s restaurant.
I placed the binoculars on the concrete floor and hurriedly flipped through the brief with shaking hands.
Yes, it was indeed the right target. This was where my boss, Evil Will, had ordered me to blow up.
“Dammit!” I cursed and flung the brief away from me.
My mind raced with memories of the years that had led me to this point.
In the 7 years that I had been Evil Will’s trusted sidekick, I had done pretty much everything he asked of me…well, to the best of my ability.
Like the time he asked me to slay the taxi driver who was idling in front of his secret lair, waiting for his fare. I ended up secretly paying the driver and asked him to get lost before someone saw us.
To which the driver had the audacity to respond “No Tip?”
“You’re lucky I didn’t kill you!” I growled back at him, and showed him the glint of my pocket knife. That was the only motivation he needed.
I had met Evil Will at a science fair. Back then he was Dr Will and our relationship had started off as a “science internship”.
I could never forget our first project together at his laboratory. My assignment was to record the project presentation for his “Evil Lab” Youtube channel with 4 subscribers.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Dr Will thundered towards the camera I held pointed at him,
“Celery has plagued man for generations. And I have obtained funds to solve this Celery horror.”
Back then his signature style was a white lab coat with large blue glasses that sat on his face.
He wore his black beard in an eccentric fashion, trimmed to a thin and curly end which accentuated his slender face.
“Hey uh….” I raised a finger to get his attention.
“Behold…!”
“Uh,Dr WillI, I thought that grant was for something like to end world hunger and stuff.” I interjected
“The grant?! What is that?” He asked with a scowl.
“The uh -”
“Shut up! Behold the Celery destroyer!!”
The lab roller doors went up to reveal this 9 foot tall metallic squirrel with blood red orbs for eyes.
“Now release my giant hand and spank it in the ass…cos that’s how it was done to me as a kid! Mwahahahahaha!”
“Uh,Dr Will….”
“Do it!!”
Needless to say, his Youtube channel was banned and that was the end of his receiving “grants.”
But of all the things he had done or asked me to do, THIS was the worst.
He had gone too far. In fact, it was immoral. I just could not do it.
I sighed and rubbed my hands fondly on my protruding belly which had knocked a few buttons off my shirt.
It purred at fond memories of nights spent at Mama Putt, scarfing down jam donuts and cinnamon rolls .
Mama Putt was my favorite restaurant in the whole city.
Anyone who understood how difficult it was to find a place that made great jam donuts, the ones filled with the right amount of high quality jam which melted in your mouth as you sank your teeth into the donut crust, could understand why.
And when you found a place that did, you kept it sacred. You honored it. You worshiped it. Because places like that were diamonds in the rough.
I’d spent all the years of my life searching for a place that made donuts like that. And now that I had found her, I was never letting her go.
Least of all blowing her up. It was just not going to happen.
And what was the reason for blowing her up anyway? It was all a part of his stupid evil scheme to get back at his ex for dumping his ass.
It had hurt extra special too because she had left him for his arch nemesis – Mr Sunshine.
Mama Putt was owned by his ex’s aunt and only living relative. A fun little fact that I did not know until I had received the brief this morning.
And we all know that when you want to hurt someone, you go after the people they love.
“Number 1, as my favorite henchman, I have a task so evil only you can perform it.” His tired voice boomed through the halls of the evil lair earlier this morning when he walked in.
He was still in his night overalls. His unshaven beard had begun to grow in all directions and took a noticeable chunk of his face.
“You mean as your only henchman…” I muttered under my breath,
“What was that?”
“Hm? Nothing.” I responded.
He eyed me for a moment and then continued,
“I want you to blow up the building in this report. But first you must scope out the place and report to me. I need to know the building area, number of people who visit the building and stuff like that so I can create the right explosive. That bitch will pay for what she did to me!”
He handed me the brief, a purple folder with photos and notes in it.
I nodded obediently and set about on my mission. I’d learned not to ask Evil Will too many questions because that got him angry.
And that’s what led me here, scoping out Mama Putt from the top of a 7 storey building across the street.
But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t love a lot of things in this miserable life of mine that consisted mostly of hatching out evil plans for an evil lord.
And the few things I did love, I wanted to protect.
I thought of ways that I could prevent this disaster from happening .
If I simply showed up to Evil Will and told him I wasn’t doing it, he could just kill me and do it himself.
So how could I save Mama Putt? How could I ensure the continuous reign of the best donuts the city of Lagos had to offer.
I pondered for a while and decided to call the one person I trusted to give reliable advice.
After three rings, she picked.
“Mom?”
“Oh my darling cupcake, how are you? It’s been over a week since I heard from you and I was getting worried.” Her raspy voice came through.
“Yeah, yeah ma, sorry I’ve been really busy with work,” I said.
“Your executive assistant job? How is that going?”
“Fine ma, but there’s an issue at work and I could really use your advice.”
“What is it dear?” She asked with concern.
“Well…I’ve been given this assignment at work that‘s a really tough one to do.
I think it could hurt a lot of shareholders in the company but the boss thinks it’s the best way to execute his vision.”
“Why does he think that?”
“Because one of the investors really did him dirty, Ma. And he wants his pound of flesh. But he’s going to hurt a lot of people by doing so.” I explained.
“Hm. After living with your father for 37 years, I learnt a thing or two about men and their emotions. When they want to hurt someone, it’s usually because they themselves are hurting.
Have you talked to him about why he thinks this is the best thing for him to do?”
A light bulb flickered in my head.
“Well actually, no. Evil Wi- uh, I mean my boss doesn’t discuss his reasoning much with me.”
“Maybe because you haven’t asked so he hasn’t recognised how useful you could be. Talk to him. Find out what feelings are driving the decision.
And if there are other ways he can explore those feelings so he is making a decision from wisdom, and not impulse, desire or opinion,” she continued.
“And how do I do that?” I asked. I could almost hear her roll her eyes over the phone.
“I dunno, sit him down and ask him some therapy questions or something.”
She was right. Perhaps there was a chance I could stop him from making this disastrous mistake.
“Thank you ma, as always you are the best.”
I hung up before she could say anything else, packed my spy gear and headed back to my room at Evil Will’s lab.
***
“Shitt!!” I yelled in pain from stubbing my pinky toe against the foot of my bed.
I frantically searched for my laptop through piles of clothes and comic books strewn across the room. I made a mental note to tidy my room when I had the chance…if I had the chance.
If Evil Will didn’t kill me first for botching his plan.
I finally found the laptop and poured through articles on emotional intelligence and relationships.
Then I heard his footsteps before his voice from outside my room. He was back.
“Number 1! Report your findings!” Evil Will yelled.
I let out a deep sigh and shut my laptop. Hopefully I had enough information to talk him out of this nonsense of a plan.
I quickly printed out a page from a website I was on and walked out of my room into the lab to face Evil Will.
Thankfully he had changed from his overalls into his official costume – a shiny orange bodysuit with a purple cape and large purple ‘W’ on his chest.
The bags under his eyes and unshaven beard were dead giveaways to his emotional state.
I almost felt sorry for him.
“Well?” He asked impatiently, one hand on his hip and the other outstretched waiting for me to put the reconnaissance report in it.
“Evil Will, Er…there’s been a hold up.” I said, thumbs twirling behind my back as I walked towards him.
“What do you mean hold up?” His frown deepened turning his unibrow to a deep v
“Um, first, let me get you a chair. Would you like some hot chocolate?”
“Number 1, I have no time for this! ” he retorted,
“I’ll make us some hot chocolate.”
I ran off and returned with some hot chocolate which I shoved into his hands. Then I gently guided him to sit on the chair I had pulled out for him.
He stared at the mug, unibrow raised and dark eyes wide with confusion, as if it was his first time seeing the same mug he drank hot chocolate from everyday.
“Number 1, what’s going on here?” he asked.
“How long have we worked together?” I replied with a question of my own.
“What? 7 years. Now what’s this nonsense?” he retorted,
I continued ignoring his anger, “And who stayed with you when your other…” I raised my arms and made air quotes for emphasis “… ‘interns’ left because you refused to pay your staff?”
He scratched his beard and shifted in his chair uncomfortably. For a moment, I saw the intelligent man I had chosen to work with because I wanted to learn from him.
It was still there…after all these years despite being repressed under layers of blind anger and pure evil.
“I…uh, that’s because I stopped obtaining grants for my science projects….” he started to say with his eyes downcast,
“I stayed! And as your only henchman, I have put up with a lot of things without question! I believe I have earned the right to be heard. There are some things I feel like we need to discuss.”
He lifted his eyes from the floor and stared at me in disbelief.
“I cannot believe the words coming out of your mouth right now, Number 1”
“Why do you want to blow up Mama Putt?” I asked, arms propped forward on my lap as I stared into his tired dark eyes
“Because it’s Evil and I am a villain…” he responded
“It’s not because it’s owned by your ex’s only living relative?” I pressed further.
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. I had my answer.
“Look Evil Will, I know she hurt you, but we never talked about what really happened. So what happened between you and -?”
“Tania. Her name was Tania.”
He sighed and swirled the drink in his cup idly,
“We had been dating for 3 months before everything fell apart. She said she was tired of the relationship. Something about me hurting people all the time because I was hurt, and not caring about her feelings. She said she was tired of me never having time for us. And then she left me for that bastard – Mr Sunshine.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Foolish of course! How could I have missed that she and that giant Sun dope had been fooling around behind my back all along! I should rip them both to shreds!!”
“Did you love her?” I asked softly
“What? Of course I did!” He spat out
I smiled to myself knowing my research was paying off.
“So it must have really hurt you when she left. Did you ever allow yourself to feel the pain of her leaving?”
“I don’t have the time for such sentiments,” he replied with a shrug of his shoulder.
“ Evil Will…” I moved closer so I could rest a hand on his knee. He stared at my hand, frozen to his chair. “…our emotions are what make us human. It’s alright to feel them and let them pass when they are ready. I do wonder, was she right though? About you not having time for your relationship?”
He mulled this over for a moment and replied, “I did my best. It comes with the territory of dating an Evil genius.”
“Is it possible that you were unable to show up fully in your relationship because you were too busy reacting to your emotions instead of responding to them?”
I asked him a few more questions which helped him realize that all along, Tania had felt lonely in her relationship with him and had done what she felt was best for her.
He had so much unresolved trauma from his childhood and younger years that instead of healing, he had built a wall around his heart.
Infact, his drive for evil came from those same wounds he struggled so hard to protect.
“So, what do I do about it?” He asked finally, shoulders slumped in defeat.
I tried to stop the satisfied smile on my face as I pulled out the printed page from my back pocket and handed it to him.
“Villains anonymous? VA? Are you serious?” He scorned the paper.
“I checked them out and it seems like a pretty good community. You’ll be surprised how many Villains have been through so much trauma. This is a safe space where they can come together to talk about the wounds that have shaped them to become who they are. Many report doing less evil by up to 90% just because of this community.”
“I don’t know about this, Number 1….”
“We can give it a try. I’ll come with you and we’ll see how we go?”
The next day Evil Will signed up for VA.
“Hello my name is Evil Will and I am a Villain. This is my first day here.”
Everyone cheered a hearty welcome and I joined in the applause that followed after from the back of the room.
He had cleaned up a bit. His eyes sparkled with hope, he was clean shaven.
He was beginning to look like his handsome old self again.
And most importantly, Mama Putt was safe again.
I pulled out my phone and placed an order for 5 jam donuts.
