“Hello, my name is Evil Will and I am a villain. This is my, uh, second meeting. And I have been evil free for 5 days.” I said to the group of villains gathered in the room, raising the white coin I was given on my first day above my head.
“To represent your desire to do good.” The coordinator had said to me when he pressed the coin into my palm.
“Let’s all welcome Evil Will to Villains Anonymous” The coordinator announced to the group.
He was a stocky, middle aged man who wore the same blue cardigan and khaki pants to every meeting.
He was soft spoken, as many psychologists were, with deep set brown eyes that seemed to look right to your soul when he spoke.
Everyone chorused a “Hi Evil Will!” and the introductions continued around the room.
I sank back in my chair and let out a sigh.
Why was I here again? Oh yeah, my henchman – Number 1 – had convinced me to give it a try.
Said it would help me process my emotions and move on from the breakup with Tania …
“It’ll help you be less reactive” he had said…whatever that nonsense meant.
As I looked around, I recognised only one out of the six other villains who sat in the group.
Captain CrackButt. Famous amongst villains for his ‘heart centered’ kidnaps for ransom. He would kidnap his victims and take them through a heart chakra opening program that was reportedly so good, that many of his victims didn’t want to leave.
His business was doing so well that he started receiving kidnap requests from many people promising huge ransoms.
This man who was once a well built, 6 foot tall, hunk of a lad, now looked like a defeated puppy with a beer belly.
I wondered why he was here?
“I hope you’ll find this a much healthier environment in which to begin a new adventure of healing. Because you’re not in it alone anymore. Everyone here can relate to what you’re going through, Evil Will. As villains, they’ve been there too,” The coordinator said with a smile, once the introductions had finished.
His smile reminded me of the way flight attendants smiled at passengers on a plane and it pissed me off.
“Right. So everyone’s girlfriend left them for their arch nemesis?” I muttered under my breath,
“What was that?”
“Hm? Nothing.” I answered dismissively.
“Oh-kaaay…So, I think we can get started by going round the room with each of you sharing a little about yourself and your journey with the group. Who would like to begin? ” He asked with enough enthusiasm to make me want to puke.
Throats were cleared and people shifted uncomfortably in their seats, but no one volunteered.
“Er, Johnny Magic, how about you tell us about yourself?” The coordinator motioned to the villain next to him, a skinny young man dressed in dirty overalls with the biggest afro I had ever seen.
“Oh that’s alright, Mr coordinator sir. I’m sure everyone here already knows the amazing Johnny Magic from way back….”
“Er, actually I’ve never heard of you in my life,” I interjected,
“You can skip the – just go to Bobo boy, ok? ” Johnny Magic said with a dismissive wave of his hand.
Bobo boy was the mean looking dwarf seated next to him. He wore a large metal hat on his head along with a perpetual scowl that made me feel uneasy.
“Hi everyone, I’m Bobo boy and I’m here because…” Bobo boy began,
“ But I just want to point out that I’m only here because I had a little run in with the law and was ordered to be here by some stupid judge. Not my fault. Somebody else’s” Johnny Magic interrupted.
“Notice how it’s interesting that Johnny Magic here doesn’t take accountability for his own reality,” the coordinator said,
“It’s true man! It’s not my fault the law is always trying to rain on my parade. And it’s certainly not my fault that I need certain …vitamins to function and the Judge decided to unfairly label it as substance abuse and insist that I get help…which I don’t need by the way!” He slammed a fist down the arm of his chair.
“Alright then. Um, Bobo boy, please continue.” The coordinator said, ignoring Johnny’s little tantrum.
“As I was saying, I’m Bobo boy. And I’m here to get me government unemployment paycheck. I used to work as a villain-for-hire for a bunch of aliens who moved to earth some years ago….” he pointed to the metal hat on his head,
“Aliens?” I asked, brows raised. I could not believe what I was hearing.
“Yes, aliens. You know, them guys from outer space? They’d hire me to kidnap human subjects and steal property for their analysis. One day, they suddenly stopped contacting me. I thought maybe me hat had stopped working but it turned out they had moved to another planet once COVID hit…guess they didn’t wanna get sick.”
“Anyway, I’ve been without a job ever since. So I signed up for the government unemployment benefits and attending these meetings is one of the things I gotta do if I want me paycheck to keep coming.”
“Wait…the government pays you to attend these meetings?” Johnny Magic asked, you could almost see the light bulb go on in his head with the way his eyes shone.
“That’s it, I’m leaving.” I announced and stood to leave, I had heard enough to let me know that I didn’t belong here.
“Evil Will, wait…,” the coordinator tried to stop me,
“I don’t know what I am doing here in the first place with people who clearly don’t want to be here. I’m no drug addict, I’m not trying to fleece free money off the government. I don’t belong here.”
And then I saw Captain CrackButt raise his hand, “I have something to share.”
I had been curious as to why he was here since the meeting started. This was my opportunity to find out why.
“I’ll leave after he’s done,” I muttered and sank back into my chair.
“Go ahead then, Captain CrackButt,” the coordinator encouraged.
He cleared his throat and began, “I have a bit of a drinking problem….”
“Really? Noooo,” a member said sarcastically.
“Big buck, please wait your turn.” The coordinator interjected and signaled for Captain Crackbutt to continue.
“Life was good as a villain. I was really good at kidnapping for ransom, I always got paid on time and returned my victims safe and well fed to their families.
I earned enough to afford a lavish lifestyle. My victims loved my heart chakra programme so much that they left a 5 star review and referred their friends. In fact, many of them didn’t want to be returned to their families…especially the husbands for some reason.”
“Anway, everything was fine until the day I ended up at the house of the great teacher – Makiromo.”
At this, a gasp went round the room and mouths fell open in shock.
“Not THE Makiromo…the greatest math teacher that ever lived??” someone asked,
Captain CrackButt nodded, “The very same. I had mixed up my brief that day and ended up in the wrong house – his house. So I broke in, guns out like ‘hands up, you’re being kidnapped,’ but instead there’s this dude in a mask staring back at me.”
“I’m like ‘dude, this is my joint. Who the hell are you?’And he said he was a thief who had broken in 3 weeks ago. He warned me to leave while I still had the chance…that there was still hope for me. But I told him I was not going anywhere without my victim. And that’s when Makiromo walked in.”
Another gasp ran through the group and Johnny Magic fainted. The coordinator got up to help him and Captain CrackButt continued without batting an eye,
“He didn’t even ask who I was or why I was there. He simply smiled at me, that creepy no-toothed smile….” he shivered,
“I tried to run but it was too late. He used his mind bending powers to force me into a chair and dropped a pile of engineering textbooks in front of me. My task was to study for and pass the engineering qualification exam. For 30 days and 30 nights I studied hard. But when I sat for the exam…I failed.”
“I failed so terribly and was such a disappointment to him that he kicked me out of his house. I felt so much shame…I had let the great teacher down…I had let myself down. Nothing I did was good enough for him…just like my father. I had to quit the business and started drinking to cope with the shame. And then I learnt about Villains Anonymous and thought I’d give it a go. This is actually the first time I’ve spoken about this and it feels weirdly…cathartic. So here I am.” He finished with a defeated smile.
The room was silent for a minute. What a story.
Here was a big man baby with daddy issues who had found the courage to share his story with a room full of strangers.
Suddenly I didn’t feel so alone in my hole of despair.
“Uh…ok that was a little…wow. Um…,”
The coordinator cleared his throat and then faced me, “Uh, Evil Will, would you like to share your story?”
I sat up at my name and glanced nervously at the faces that now stared back at me.
Why not? If it would help me rid some of the crippling pain and anger inside me….
“Well…ok.”
I shifted uneasily in my chair, “It all started the day I discovered my girlfriend was cheating on me. One morning, I arrived at my arch nemesis, Mr Sunshine’s home to proudly announce that I had built a machine that could manufacture and pour large amounts of wax all over his stupid perfect little lawn. He seemed nervous for some reason and asked that next time I should call before I came knocking.”
“Then he had the audacity to ask me to leave, and said it was against arching rules to arch without a 24 hour notice. Pfft. Since when did he care so much about arching rules? I was just about to tell him off when I heard her voice asking him to come back to bed…and that’s when she walked in wearing the lingerie I got her on our anniversary.”
Shocked murmurs went round the group.
“Wow man, that’s rough. I’m sorry.” The coordinator said with a shake of his head.
At that moment an old man in a white lab coat poked his head into the room and motioned for the coordinator.
“Uh, let’s finish the night on that note guys. Regroup next Thursday.” He said quickly and walked off to meet the man in the lab coat.
As the others stood to leave, I scanned the room. I hadn’t noticed the cameras in all corners of the room before. Now that I did, something about the way they were pointed at the group made me feel uneasy…almost like my ‘spidey sense’ was tingling.
I turned my attention to the men discussing in the corner of the room.
My eyes met with that of the old man. Our gazes held for a moment and then he turned his attention to the coordinator speaking earnestly to him.
Something about the way he looked at me made the alarm bell in my head ring even louder. Who was he?
“Who is that?” I asked a member called Skullface, no longer able to hide my curiosity.
“Who?” He replied with a brow raised
“That. The man in the coat.” I said, indicating to the corner of the room where he and the coordinator stood.
“Oh. No idea. I figured he must be one of the owners or something.” Skullface replied with a shake of his head.
His response fueled an even deeper curiosity as something I had not thought of until then popped into my head.
“Who owns the Villains Anonymous?”
He shook his head again, “No Idea man, sorry.” And he walked away before I could ask any more questions.
I watched them talk for a few more minutes before grabbing my coat and leaving the center.
Why was I interested anyway?
Half way home I realized I’d forgotten the keys to my lair at the center.
Perhaps I left it on the coffee table while I poured myself a cup of hot chocolate, I thought.
I swung my car around and headed back, hoping it was still open.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I arrived to find the front door still open, despite the lights being off.
I walked in, grabbed my keys and was about to leave when I overheard conversation coming from another room….
“How are the Villains going?” I heard a familiar gruff voice ask.
What? No. Surely it couldn’t be? I thought, frozen for a moment, and then I tiptoed closer to the room.
“Marvelously well. Almost all of them have quit their villainous ways since joining the programme, and the overall crime rate in the city has dropped by almost 70%.” A much older voice responded.
“That’s great news. And how’s the one called Evil Will?”
“Oh, uh…..”
I heard some fumbling around and the flipping of pages before the older voice continued,
“He had his second visit today. Seems to be doing well. He shared his story today…I must say, that was really rough, even for him sir. ”
The alarm in my head was screaming now. I felt a knot in my stomach When I realized that I knew who was speaking here….
“I don’t pay you for your opinions Isaac. Just keep a keen eye out for him. My master plan to rid this city once and for all of villains is working! Ha! All villains need is a space for their pain to be heard.”
“Yes, Mr Sunshine. It’s a brilliant plan.”
“We must double our enrollment efforts. Increase our online ad spend so more people sign up to the programme on our website. Our goal is to completely eradicate villainy by the end of this year.”
I knew it. All along I felt something was amiss here and now I had heard it.
At this, I stepped out from my hiding place into the room, to confront my arch nemesis.
“Hello Mr Sunshine.” I growled, fists formed at my side.
He and the old man I had seen earlier that evening spun to face me, the shock evident in their eyes, opened mouths and raised eyebrows.
“So it was you, all along.”
