Number 1 showed up days later with a rather elaborate explanation as to why he had left Evil Will in the middle of a fight.
Said his mother had a stroke right that moment, and he knew this thanks to telepathy.
They’d always shared a special spiritual bond from the womb you see.
And so he didn’t run away, he just left to help her because he knew Evil Will would be fine…he had titanium bones anyway. His mother however didn’t even have health insurance.
Sure.
Evil Will took him back anyway because he was the only henchman he had…and the only one who agreed to be his henchman on such minimum wage.
It didn’t matter that he had returned though, because I bribed him with a year’s pass to free donuts at Mama Putts, just so he could disappear again and I could replace him as Evil Will’s accomplice on missions.
Why? So I could bump into Mr slice of buttered sunshine again.
So one night on another mission, Evil Will and I sat in the van parked outside the
National treasury while he briefed me.
This time I wore my rubber ducky costume…I didn’t want to take any chances for when you-know-who showed up.
“Alright my darling, tonight we’ll be breaking into the National Treasury to install the stinky smelly bomb 5000 in its air vents. When detonated, these tiny bombs release a smell so disgusting that rotten eggs, skunk spray and even three day old gym socks all mixed in a bowl of mouldy cheese cannot compete.
I plan to detonate it tomorrow so that after everyone is evacuated due to its horrible smell, I can swoop in and steal the treasures without interruptions. Brilliant isn’t it, eh my love?…wh-…why are you applying makeup before our mission?”
“Hmm?” I responded absentmindedly, checking my reflection as I adjusted my eyeliner.
“We’re about to go on a mission so why are you applying makeup?”He repeated.
“Well, who says I can’t look good for the mission, jeez.” I waved a languid hand in the air.
I could feel his eyes on me as he contemplated saying more but instead, he shook his head and began loading out for his mission.
His gear consisted of two walkie-talkies, some suction cup shoes that looked like they belonged to Spider-Man, a wire cutter for the barbed wire on the Treasury’s tall, imposing, thick stone walls, and an electronic device to disable all of its security measures.
He handed me one of the walkie-talkies.
“I’m sorry you’ve got to stand in for Number 1 again, his mother’s got toe cancer this time. I swear the rate at which that woman falls sick…
…anyway, you’re my lookout for tonight so If you see anything….”
“I know, I know, radio you in on the walkie-talkie. Got it.” I finished and we got out of the van.
“That’s all you gotta do.” He said with a smile. Then he disappeared around the corner to begin his climb over the fence and into the treasury’s vents.
I waited until I stopped hearing his grunts as he struggled to climb over the fence, before ringing the hero helpline.
“Yes, I’d like to report a break-in at the National treasury…no lady, I don’t want to make a small donation to the hungry kids charity after this call, like damn quit bugging me.”
It wasn’t long after I ended my call that there was a loud whoosh and the familiar terrible singing.
“ ♪ Dadadadun, Make way for the amazing Mr Sunshine! Dadadadun! ♪”
And sure enough, there he was striking a pose in front of me; legs astride, he had one arm in the air, and his other hand on his hips.
“Why, hello there handsome,” I said in my most seductive drawl.
“Oh, hello Tania. Nice to see you again. I’m really digging the rubber ducky outfit.” He leaned casually on the van and crossed his arms.
I giggled and twirled around so he could get a full view of the huge rubber ducky wrapped around my torso.
“Thank you.”
“So, uh, I take it that it was you who rang…again?”
“Yeah. Evil Will is….”
I was interrupted by the sound of static from the walkie-talkie. I raised it to my mouth to speak.
“Yes?”
“Ugh it’s so tight in here, it’s like…like crawling up a baby’s ass! I’m worried I might set one of the bombs off. How is it looking out there?” Evil Will asked.
“It’s uh, pretty chill,” I replied, glancing at Mr sunshine.
“Ok, radio in if you so much as see a mouse cross the road.”
“Copy.” I said and dropped the walkie-talkie from my mouth to continue with Mr Sunshine.
“As I was saying, Evil Will is breaking into the National Treasury.”
“Is he now? But aren’t you his, uh, hench person?”
“Well, that’s what it’s supposed to look like but as a concerned citizen who is growing sick of his silly antics, I had other plans.”
The walkie-talkie cracked again and Evil Will’s screams came through,
“Cough, cough, dammit!! I accidentally set off a stinky bomb! Cough, it smells worse than a pig’s ass! I’m aborting the mission!! Also, there’s nothing in this stupid treasury anyway but a weird collection of golden eggs…which I’d have known about if, cough, if Number One had finished the bloody reconnaissance report!”
And it went dead again.
“Well, looks like that has sorted itself out.” We laughed and then he said,
“Hey, I think we could work well together… sabotaging crime and all. Here’s my card.”
I stared at the business card he dropped in my hands, trying to gather my thoughts.
Me, lover of bad boys and crime, on the other side of the line?
Well if there was anyone that could make me turn to the good side, it was Mr Sunshine….
“Wh-? I told you to let me know if anyone showed up!”
We spun at the sound and smell of Evil Will’s sudden appearance behind us.
And instinctively covered our noses.
“Well, it sounded like you kinda, um, didn’t need that anymore. You know, with all the self-sabotage you’ve got going on” I said.
“What??”
“Hm?”
He ignored me and shook an angry fist in Mr Sunshine’s face.
“And YOU again…were you…what the devil, were you flirting with my girlfriend?”
Mr Sunshine cleared his throat,
“Uh, you’re lucky I didn’t get to you before your stinky bomb did. Right then. I’ll leave you to it.”
He turned to face me, gave me a wink,
“ ♪ Dadadadun, Make way for the amazing Mr Sunshine! Dadadadun! ♪”
And flew off into the night. Leaving me with a smelly and grumpy evil will.
***
A few days later, I took Mr Sunshine up on his offer and started going over to his mansion to work with him on “sabotaging crime”.
Or that’s what we called it.
Except that it involved tongue and him seeing my insides… and the missions happened in his bedroom.
“Evil Will’s growing suspicious,” I said to Mr Sunshine during one of my sleepovers.
“He’s beginning to wonder why my French classes require sleep overs…especially since I don’t know what hello is in French.”
“Why don’t you move in, my sweet? We’ll still keep this hush, but just break up with him.”
He didn’t need to ask me twice.
The following night, I packed my things and left a note on Evil Will’s bed.
“Dear Evil Will,
You know what they say, ‘It’s not me, it’s you’. And boy, is it you!
You were always too focused on your evil schemes to notice me, your loving and supportive partner. Case in point, you always forgot our anniversary!
I’m tired of being second priority and your lab smells like rotten eggs. AND let’s not forget about your terrible fashion sense. Bright orange? Really? It kills my vibe every time we go out cos it clashes with my T-Rex costume.
Seriously dude.
Being a villain is so 1700s , I’d grown sick of all the evil and that’s why it was me who sabotaged your missions! Yes.
Cos they suck.
Anyway, I’m moving on to bigger and better things. I’ve found a new man who actually knows how to treat a woman.
And, just so you know, I’m taking the leftover Cocopops and bacon. The also deserve better.
Goodbye forever,
Your ex-girlfriend who has a better fashion sense than you.”
Mr Sunshine and I started dating, but as he requested, we kept it on the hush and hush.
That was until a few days later when Evil Will showed up unannounced at his front door.
“I better get that,” Mr Sunshine sighed after we heard the doorbell go off for the twelfth time.
“I’ve sent my butler Raymond home. I wonder who has the audacity to show up at my door unannounced.”
He tore himself from my arms and headed for the front door.
I’d gotten impatient when it was taking him too long to return to bed and decided to see what the hold up was.
I slipped a house coat over my lingerie and walked over to the front door.
“Who is it, my love? What’s taking so lo-” The rest of my words turned to ash in my mouth as I locked eyes with my ex boyfriend standing in the doorway.
